Monday, April 15, 2013

Top 5 Useless Guns You Can Actually Buy

Gold Plated Desert Eagle .50
Absolutely Useless.
Walking through a freshly opened Gander Mountain store a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but be guffawed at the sheer number of firearms available for purchase and fondling. They had almost everything you could think of in civilian armament. Almost. However, it also occurred to me that they had something else, too. A whole lot of useless guns. Sure, when it comes down to it, every gun that fires can be used. But consider these questions, and consider that "at the firing range" or "to look at" are not acceptable answers for my argument here:
  • How would I use this?
  • Where would I use this?
  • When would I use this?
 So that this isn't construed as a slam on Gander Mountain, I will say that I did not in fact see all of these there. Some, however, I did. This article and list is about the guns, as always, and has nothing to do with Gander Mountain, or their quality as a retailer or the quality of their products. It has everything to do with these five guns being absolutely useless novelties in the world of civilian firearms. Not to be copying Letterman, either, this list will begin with number 1, and list them in no particular order of ranking:

1 - Gold plated Desert Eagle .50 - "Wow, it weighs only like 50 pounds and it's covered with shiny yellow crap? Sign me up!" Um, sorry, Mr. T., but no. This thing finds its best use as a bludgeon after you run out of money to buy its absurdly expensive ammo. And who needs a gold-plated bludgeon?

FN P90
2 - FN P90 - Ok, so I suppose you can use this as a home defense carbine, but really, why? Its 5.7x28mm cartridge is inferior to the .223 ballistically, is harder to find, and more expensive. You can, however, squirt a lot of it out in a hurry, thereby lighting a $100 bill on fire. There was an episode of "CSI" in which the P90 was featured. They portrayed it as the ultimate high rate of fire weapon that civilians should not own, and stated that they couldn't be found in the U.S., nor could the ammo be purchased. Both statements (which of course helped lead to solving the case) were total crap, as was its rate of fire in the civilian semi-auto version. Semi-auto is semi-auto. The speed is limited by how fast you can wiggle your finger, just like with any other civilian weapon. Regardless, the gun controllers just love this one and think it's scary as hell. Maybe it is useful after all.

Honey Boo Boo in 15 years?
I bet there's a Pink Taurus Judge
under that dress somewhere.

3 - Pink Taurus Judge? [By Jason] - While I was visiting the new Gander Mountain in Florence, Alabama, I saw an adult-sized "Honey-boo-boo" caricature raving to her Bama clad family, "They got the pink judge baby! Can you believe it honey?! I gotta get it, it's pink and it's THE Judge!" She went on and on and on. Her husband was equally impressed. Here is a story that I tend to agree with: The Taurus Judge Is Just Not Very Good. I used to want one when I first saw it, but realized how pretty much anyone would be better served with something else.

[Back to Jeremy] -- I do see value in the versatility of the Judge. I think it could be a decent camping companion. Do I think it would be better at that than my S&W Model 60? No. Plus, the Judge also has numerous limitations, is oddly shaped, poorly balanced, and frankly ugly. The pink "HBB" model, however, made me leave it on this list without hesitation.

Beretta Bobcat
4 - Beretta Bobcat in .25ACP - Really, anything chambered in .25ACP could be in this list. Ever hear of a Raven? Horrible. Perhaps I should list it instead? But no, the Bobcat is more famous. In fact, it's a fine pocket gun in itself. I like the design (mostly) and find them comfortable. But if you want one for whatever reason then get the .22LR model! The .25 is so vastly underpowered it's pathetic. You'd be better served almost by putting your finger through the trigger guard, gripping firmly, and using the gun like brass knuckles. Better yet, pay a few bucks more and get the Tomcat model in .32ACP, which is a reasonable cartridge for super close range self defense.
5 - North American Arms .22 short Mini Revolver - Again, here it's more the chambering than the gun itself. While the NAA mini is almost too small for anyone over 10 to comfortably hold, it is a nicely reliable weapon. The problems arise in three areas. First, the single action operation in such a tiny, hard to grasp package makes it nearly impossible to cock the hammer between each shot, or at least to do it with any speed that would resemble self defense firing rate. Being that it's designed as a pocket gun for ultimate concealability of defense, this isn't a good thing. Second, the exposed trigger - no guard - just makes me uneasy about it. Third, and most importantly, is the .22 short cartridge. It's the only thing possibly worse for defense than the .25acp. Just spit in your attacker's eye and try to run away. You'll get farther than when shooting them with a .22 short.

NAA .22 short Mini Revolver -- Depending on your screen resolution, this could be about actual size!

So these may be my Top Five Useless Guns, but there are plenty more to choose from. Notice the trends above, though: too big and heavy, too under-powered, too ridiculous to be practical, too "I want to be everything" to find itself able to be anything. Look for these qualities to avoid when selecting your own weapons, and remember, just because you think it's cool doesn't mean you'll find it useful for anything other than looking at.

Have suggestions to add to the list? Leave a comment below and tell us what it is and why. We'd love to hear from you!


  1. In the coming atomic robot apocalypse, the P90 proves itself invaluable. The key is the very large magazine for its compact size. It's difficult for the driver of an M-28i0E combat mech to carry a larger assault rifle inside the cabin of the mech and the large magazine and relative reliability of the weapon is important for those who aren't carrying extra magazines or who are performing regular maintenance on what is, essentially, a "back up" weapon.

  2. Wow, Gold plated Desert Eagle .50 is very nice to looking good clarity.

  3. "At the firing range" is not a valid answer?
    Then, by your standards, every target pistol would be useless? My High Standard Trophy Citation in .22 short wouldn't be much use anywhere outside of a range, but that hardly makes it "useless".
    FN P90? Definitely useful as a home defense weapon. Extremely high-cap magazine, low penetration and range compared to the .223, yep. I'd like to have one.
    If you can call it useless because it is less powerful than a .223, is a .223 useless because it is less powerful than a .308? And a .308 because it is less powerful than a .50 BMG?
    The criteria should be, will it get the job done? If 30 rounds of 5.56 will, then 50 rounds of 5.7 will also.

    1. First, notice that this list is opinion, based on a set of criteria created specifically for constructing the list. "...consider these questions, and consider that "at the firing range" or "to look at" are not acceptable answers for my argument here:" With "for my argument here" being the operative point.

      On a list of target pistols, your High Standard definitely would not be counted as useless. In fact, being a .22LR, I don't count it as useless in any sense.

      In the civilian semi-auto versions, the FN P90 is inferior to a M4 under similar duty scenarios of home defense and dispatching predators like coyotes. So, I maintain that it is relatively pointless and is just a funny looking novelty. But that's my opinion, for my uses. If you want one, go for it. I never said it wasn't a good gun. But the .308 is not a comparable weapon, so your chain of logic on that one is flawed, I'm afraid. .50BMG? Now you're just being silly. But if someone wants to pay more for harder to find ammo that they'll have to use more of for the same effect, with a weapon that has limited options compared to an AR, that isn't as versatile as the AR, and isn't as good in close combat situations that could turn to a melee ... then by all means, spend several hundred dollars more than the average AR and get yourself a P90.

      People need to remember that this entire site is opinions, and that posts like this one are done for fun. Don't get so bent out of shape over it.

    2. I apologize. This is the first time that I have read your blog, and I did not appreciate your sense of humor until I had read a few more pages. I have learned to appreciate it now!
      I kind of have a knee-jerk reaction to the many "internet experts" out here who want to loftily proclaim to us masses that THEIR choice is the ONLY choice. My mistake was in assuming that, based on one article, you were one of them. Again, I apologize.

    3. I'm glad you're hanging out and enjoying it! Thanks for the kind words there, too. I apologize if I had a knee jerk reaction to the criticism as well. I share your disdain for the "experts" who proclaim theirs as the only correct answer.

  4. Well, I certainly got a chuckle from these, way to go! Very funny and very true! Will stick with my Smith hammerless 38 revolver. Denise

  5. i read the exposed trigger on the north american .22 was ok because of it being single action. i also once heard it recommended once as the best concealed carry because you could conceal and carry it just about anywhere, even board shorts while swimming. heres one of the reviews im referencing:

  6. That "gold plated" desert eagle is actually TITANIUM, research and asking questions is a good portion of informative writing process you know

    1. So being titanium makes it useful? I think I'm missing your point. It's still a giant shiny yellow brick that I find impeccably useless except as a novelty.

  7. It look like the 100 years old guns but i have not know about these guns. But i admire that these guns are too unique but small

  8. I think I'd like one of the gold-plated guns please. Ok, make that two!

  9. The medium powered guns are electric guns that are a copy or a duplication of the guns made by Tokyo Marui or classic army originals, some of the most famous producers of guns. HENRY


Keep it clean and courteous people. Lively is good, mean spirited is bad. Thanks for participating!


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